This year was my most interesting yet.
I thought I was happy.
2018 brought some major life changes for me. When this year started out, never in a million years did I imagine it turning out how it did. I thought I was living this perfect life. I thought I had it all! Boy was I wrong. If you’ve been following along for a while, you’ll remember that I got engaged this past February. I thought I was happy where I was, but I always found myself wondering if there could be more. If I could experience a deeper love. Live a more fulfilled life. Not in the sense that my life wasn’t already full, it just felt like I was going through the motions with my love life, and my personal life. I remember frequently thinking: “Don’t change anything. Your life is great. Change is scary. Where would you go, anyway?”.
Choosing myself and moving on
Halfway through this year, I was feeling more and more like something in my life wasn’t right. Multiple somethings actually. In a weird way I am grateful for the lessons I learned this year, and how I learned them. I can really appreciate what I have now because I remember what I had before. Once I decided I needed to make a change, nothing was stopping me. When I set my mind to something, I have to do it/have it. And so, with these changes constantly on my brain, I took the dive.
This is going to sound ridiculous, but it all started by having lunch with a friend. We talked and connected in a way that I hadn’t experienced in a very long time. I found myself longing for a connection like that as a constant in my life. He also told me something that I hadn’t been told in a very long time: You need to make yourself number one.
Fast forward through a weeks worth of lunches, and I was considering calling off my engagement. Yes, seriously. Sometimes when you meet someone, you just know. And it’s a really good feeling. I’ve never really experienced it till now, but I can tell you it’s worth waiting for. After some serious deliberating and questions like: Where would I move? Where would I find the money to do so? What is everyone going to think of me, calling off an engagement to the “perfect” person? How was my then Fiance going to feel?
Jumping in with two feet
Irealised I just wasn’t happy where I was. And I didn’t want to spend my life wondering “what if”. I have no hard feelings for the man I was supposed to marry, I will always love and respect him. I remember thinking to myself all those months ago: “It’s not fair to him either, me being half-in this relationship.” It was a really hard thing to do. Every now and then I miss my old life briefly, but I always remember the constant longing and the need for change I felt, and I remind myself that I wasn’t truly happy. Not like I am now.
So, with all that being said, I made the change. I moved into my own place – something I had never had before. I dealt with the constant judgement from the entire town, who only heard one side of the story from a very disgruntled person. But over all, I was the happiest I’d ever been. Even with the loss of friendships, mean words and stressful times I dealt with this year – I had never felt so fulfilled or so in love. And to me, that made it all worth it. What have you learned this year? Have you experienced any major changes? Let me know in the comments below!